a thinking thing

First Post: History

Hello World..
This is me..
(Hehe.. the first two lines of Belle Perez' "Hello World" )

This is my first post, in fact my first ever blog. :P Haha.. A sudden thought came into my mind a few hours ago, inspired by some blogs my friends have, that I need to pour out the contents of my mind somewhere, record them down neatly, so that someday, if necessary, I can always view those things that ever dwell in my mind, instead of letting them be blown away by the strong wind of my ever-changing paradigm. So now, here I am, sitting in front of my computer, trying to remember and type down the things, happenings, or phenomenons that ever came into my life and mind so far since I got stuck in this tiny little island, where I wanted to pursue my silly academical education, where I went leaving my lovely mother and best friends I ever had, if any, before, and yet, where I really started to become me.

I had never been me before I came here. I was never really conscious of who, or what, I was. I went with the flow, I just did whatever I was supposed to do and whatever was required or expected from me (not to say that I do not now), I never thought about what I was doing and aiming, whether it was really necessary or essential in my whole life here on earth nor my eternal life with God in heaven, assuming I would get it. There was no real purpose, or, to be exact, a really well defined purpose, in my life. I was never rational, which could be due to either my lack of effort or my lack of skill to be rational. I never wanted to go to the Church, in fact I was, almost always, bored when I went to Church, for even if my body was there, my imaginations took me everywhere else. I could hardly remember any of the preaches given by any of the Pastors, for I never really set my mind to be there. In most of my non-religious matters, I was about the same, I remained skeptic and ignorant about anything. Time flied, I remained calm, without any effort to step my foot ahead, without even any thought of having the effort to do so. What a waste of time. I was never me in the first, nearly, seventeen years of my age.

After completing my high school, I decided to continue my education here, in Singapore. I was not deciding actually, for I never put any considerations of mine to arrow me where I ought to be studying. I knew not where I was going to pursue my education after high school; even I applied to neither NTU nor NUS until the very last day of the application date. I took the entrance examinations to both NTU and NUS, with having some seniors there as the sole reason. I was accepted at both, giving me another dilemma of deciding where to go. God helped me by offering scholarship at NUS, and to my relief, not at NTU. Hence I chose NUS. It proves now that God made me choose NUS for a certain good reason, or more. Nevertheless, this is one recent example of my past reluctance of thinking things that was really essential for me.

My life changes here. I started to think. I became me. I was reborn. I am free. My ratio started working. I began questioning things; things that were, in the past, simply, or maybe unconsciously, indoctrinated to me by my environment. This overwhelming curiosity and anxiety grew as the time went by, and they reach the peak now, and maybe tomorrow's present, the day after's, and so on, I do not know. To put it in a way, now I can see clearly what I was not able to see before. In another way, a thick mist blinds me from the truth that I was never aware of before.

My first year had nothing much. I was just trying to adapt to a new lifestyle, paradigm, mindset. I was still that self-centered young boy, trying to grow beyond the limit. I complained when I was not satisfied, wrath conquered me when something insult me. I am still like that now. However, now a new enquiry comes to my mind. Does it my feeling that influence me to do what I do? Is it not my mind that thinks that I have such feeling? Am I feeling happy because I am thinking that I feel happy, or because I am actually feeling happy? Am I sad because I am really sad or because I am thinking I feel, or maybe I want to feel, sad? What comes first, feeling or thinking? Do I have feeling? Can reflective movement be considered a feeling? Or is it the only one true feeling? Is it true that happiness is just a state of mind? Can I control what I am feeling? Can I believe in what I feel? Or feeling is just vanity, one kind of special way of thinking, which initiates from my own mind, and which therefore cannot be trusted completely?

This thought struck me quite hard, for if I cannot convince myself that feeling can be trusted, I may have to review my perspective of my Catholic faith. So long as I have apprehended, I do not always completely believe in my faith, since I do not always find a really justifiable proof of my faith. Most of my belief in Catholic, I do not say all, comes from my personal feeling, faith and experience with Him, and this is very weak and fragile evidence to be a basis of my faith if subjected to thorough anti-Catholic assertions. I have tried to ask my friends, but no answer has satisfied me so far. What is the ground of the faith I am holding now? Is it not possible that the whole thing I have learnt is just an indoctrination, thanks to my innocent mind when I was young? Is it not possible that what I have experienced with God so far is just another thought-perceived-as-feeling? Is this mind of mine that powerful?

OK, so much for now, still another so-much for another time. Haha.. Now I have to practice for today's oral defence. Hope it will turn out as I wish, although "Your will be done". Haha.. What a selfish thing I am.

posted by nicho @ 11:25 PM